The night before your 2nd birthday, I cried as I rocked you to sleep. It was a made-for-TV-moment, but I wasn’t sad about your growing up too fast (although that’s certainly true). I was in complete awe of how much you have changed me and my life since the night you were born. I was overcome by my love for and admiration of you. And by gratitude. I am a better, more patient, more compassionate, more intentional, more complete person because of all the moments we’ve spent together.
I’ve learned so much about myself and about parenting over the past 2 years. Sometimes, I even feel like I’m getting the hang of it (even knowing that we’ve only just scratched the surface). And yet, in the few weeks, since you turned 2, it feels like you have sent me all the way back to Day 1.
It’s not just the stuff–
My long list of toddler gear that looks a lot like a baby registry:
- A toddler bed and the bedding to go with it (Does that mean you need a pillow now? And what kind of rails?)
- A booster seat to replace your high chair
- Stools and faucet extenders for the bathrooms (because you’re independent and also getting too heavy to lift every time we need to wash your hands)
- Did I mention potty training supplies?
It’s not my newest set of internet searches–
- Getting rid of the pacifier
- Switching to a big-kid bed
- Discipline/time-outs
- Preschools
- And did I mention potty training?
It’s the doubt that creeps in–
When you hit me for the first time, or when you refuse to share with other kids, and I don’t know how to teach you. Or maybe you aren’t ready yet. Or maybe I’ve already ruined you. It feels a lot like when we started sleep-training.
It’s the panic that sets in–
When I’m already researching preschools. How am I already thinking about where to send you to school? Why am I already listening to a preschool director talk about fire drills and security? How can I trust someone else to make sure you’re safe and happy and thriving?
And it’s the wonder.
The absolute, joyous wonder that comes from watching you do something new each day. From getting to know you–who you are and what fascinates you. Because on the same day that you threw your first on-the-floor tantrum at the grocery store (and next to the raw chicken for goodness sake!), you also told me that I was “such a kind mommy” for putting sprinkles in your pancakes. And on the same day that it took a half hour and two time-outs to brush your teeth, you stopped what you were doing to check on a boy you didn’t know who was laying on the ground because you thought he was feeling sad.
Yes, learning to parent a toddler feels a lot like learning to take care of a newborn. It’s hard, and it’s humbling, and it’s wonderful.
Hayley, you put into words exactly how I feel about my almost 2-year-old! What a great post, and you’re definitely not alone in feeling doubt, panic and wonder all at the same time.