I would have to say that most events have occurred in my life as they should. Graduated college within 4 years, went straight into my master’s program, started my career, met my husband, got married after a couple of years of dating. We traveled, bought a house, established our careers, had our child a few years into our marriage, then had our 2nd….wait…2nd child…nope! Wait, the 2.4 kids that are the American Dream, did not happen for us. That is where my life falling into place “as it should” stops and our journey with infertility began.
When we decided to try for a second child, I knew it would not be as easy as the first time. I figured within 6 months we would be well on our way to providing our first born a sibling. Boy was I wrong! The presumed 6 months, turned into a year, then 2 years, and now here we are 4 years later. The official diagnosis is secondary infertility. When these words were said to me I thought that can not be true. We had no problem conceiving our firstborn. However, tests, blood work, samples, and more tests have ensued for the last few years. It has been exhausting but not really life-consuming until now.
We have a big limiting factor, our age. We are really working against our biological clocks. So we are now faced with IVF or “go home”. Gosh, when I heard the recommendation of IVF, I immediately thought of the struggles and successes of many I know. Then the emotional roller coaster began. I feel like before we got to this point, I was on a kiddie roller coaster of emotions. Now, we have moved onto adult roller coasters! First, the emotions of do we put ourselves through this? How will this affect our child? What about the financial aspect of IVF…it literally costs more than some cars…gulp! Regret…why were we not more aggressive 3 years ago? Maybe we would not have had to take this route. Then am I being selfish for wanting another baby? My life is more than fulfilled with the one I have. Next comes guilt…why do I have this guilt? I have a perfectly healthy smart and kind child. My subconscious is kicking in and making me question why isn’t that enough? But then I think, I want my little one to have a sibling. My husband and I both have multiple siblings. We also have lots of cousins. I want that for my child. I do not want my child to be faced with making life-changing decisions alone when we are old. I want my little one to be able to experience sibling rivalry and the undeniable protectiveness we have for our siblings.
These emotions have led me down a spiritual path I have struggled with as well. I have tried to make everything happening in our life a “sign” of what to do next. I have no clear answer. I have no idea what the next chapter of our life will be. I know what my heart hopes for but my mind lets reality set in. This is not the chapter I would have written in the story of our life. However, this may be the chapter that we did not know we needed.
To all those who are still on the roller coaster ride or who have gotten off, your experiences have made you brave strong women!