Baby Bliss to Baby Blues: Letting Go of Expectations as a First Time Mom

Eight years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child, I had all kinds of idyllic thoughts about what lay ahead. The weeks leading up to my son’s arrival were spent in blissful preparation. As I folded tiny clothes into neat piles smelling sweetly of Dreft baby laundry detergent (a scent that still makes my ovaries do flips and cheers), I daydreamed about what motherhood would look like and what it would feel like. Carefully placing those neat piles of categorically organized clothes into the drawers of a freshly painted, newly acquired dresser, I envisioned only serene newborn bliss. While hanging tiny outfits, some with multiple coordinating (unnecessary) parts and accessories, on tiny hangers, behind tiny labeled dividers organized by size, I envisioned holding a warm bundle of newness cradled close to my chest as he drifted into a peaceful sleep without a cry.  

Are you chuckling at my naiveté yet? Boy, I sure am. Within a few weeks’ time, those tidy little piles of neatly folded clothes had exploded all over my house like the New Year’s fireworks going on outside my window. There were indeed still piles, just bigger ones…much much bigger ones. And there was no folding, or hanging, and definitely no categorical organizing. Those things were for chumps who didn’t value their time, sleep, or sanity. My apologies if you are one of those. I am sure you are not actually a chump…let’s be friends! But this was my experience. The careful planning and preparations which were so easy to control in my pre-baby world were awash in a tumultuous storm of unpredictability. I was utterly lost and overwhelmed.

A friend once described new motherhood as the feeling you get when you jump into a freezing pool at the beginning of the summer. That has always resonated with me. I did not expect to feel such a shock. I loved my son with all my heart, but my new role was shockingly, achingly relentless. I know, I know,  it seems super obvious, like, duh,  you can’t pause motherhood. And maybe I felt that way because I am an introvert or because I was suffering from undiagnosed postpartum depression and anxiety. Or maybe it was because I had a baby who cried ALL. THE. TIME!!!! Oh yes, I had dreamed of comforting my child’s cries, but nothing I did could comfort this (very loud) child of mine. For months. And months. I felt unqualified, like a failure, and I was tired… And disappointed.  And with that disappointment came such a crippling shame. 

Fast forward many months later, my constant crier became a constant talker, and he still barely stops talking! I am growing into my role as a mom. The icy cold waters have warmed up considerably. Eight years and 2, almost 3 kids in, I feel comfortable, but thankfully I can recognize myself as a mom in progress.  And thank goodness these kids are hearty enough to survive the evolution of a Mom!! 

Expectations, man! They’ll kick you in the booty! If I could go back and visit that time, I would pour 8-years-ago-me a glass of wine, give her a big, big hug and tell her: “It’s ok to feel disappointed. There’s no right way and there’s no wrong way, AND you’re going to make it through. But most importantly, you are a good mom!” And then, I would hold that crying baby so prior me could go take a long nap!

Keep going all you moms out there! You’re going to make it through. You’re doing a great job, and you are a good Mom!