I am in the sandwich generation. I have young children and an aging parent who is disabled. I am both a caregiver and parent. It’s a situation myself and many of my friends are in. Sandwich generation accurately represents how I feel; crushed between two pieces of bread.
I want to write an inspirational blog about how to successfully take care of both your child and parent but I can’t. I’m sitting in my living room floor and I’m exhausted. I feel like a failure. My eyes are puffy from crying. Not only am I failing as a parent but also as a daughter.
I knew I would have this role since I was 21. I knew someday my dad would live with me and my future husband. Before I dated my husband he knew this was my reality. He accepted that was going to be part of marrying me.
Eight years ago, my father moved in with my family. His health was not good due to self-neglect and he almost died. I gained 40 pounds that summer and fall. I knew things were bad for him but I didn’t realize how bad.
Until you see the day to day activities of your parent; you don’t really know them. You don’t realize they are a hoarder. You don’t realize they eat foods that aren’t the healthiest. You don’t realize they may resent you for making the hard decisions. You don’t realize anything going wrong,
Resentment is a very real emotion when dealing with your parent and their shortcomings. I thought I could make his later years happy and help him. He’s had a hard life and I just wanted him to feel love. But I feel it’s backfired and my expectations were just a pipe dream.
He is in mourning and I didn’t realize that would be something he would go through. I didn’t realize he would suffer from depression and regret. I don’t realize denial would be a huge factor in his perception of what’s really going on. He’s coming to terms with being disabled and not physically active anymore.
I am lost. I’m not sure what sources I can use because my father is refusing treatment at this point. I just joined some Facebook groups so I’m hoping to get some help there.
My kids are affected too and ask questions about my dad’s quirks. I wasn’t prepared for that either. He’s good with them and spoils them but due to his disability, he can’t fully participate in their lives or go to their activities. I see active grandfathers with their grandchildren and I mourn for my children because I can’t give them a grandfather who is like that. My husband and I both have father’s who can’t participate in our kids’ lives. My husband’s father is not around so my kids don’t know him at all. At least they do know my dad some.
I didn’t realize I would deal with resentment or hurt. I’m mourning my father even before he dies. I resent his ego that fights to maintain independence while making it where he has lost his independence due to his lack of self-care.
I cannot begin to understand how one gets in his position but I’m trying. I’m trying to find help and solutions. I feel lost and unsure of the future. I do know something is going to change. I love him dearly and I want him to feel loved. I hate the unknown.
I feel like I’m drowning. I’m a wife, a parent and a daughter but what am I to myself?
Did I mention I’m in perimenopause? I’m struggling with hormones and insomnia. In December my husband found me on the bedroom floor in utter exhaustion. I literally had a white towel in my hand waving it in the air saying, “I give up.”
He promptly took the kids to his mom’s so I could sleep without interruption. Did I mention my son has autism? He sleeps like a newborn not necessarily waking to feed but he doesn’t sleep through the night. I’m exhausted so I consume large amounts of caffeine and I’ve bought an expensive eye cream.
I’m taking care of so many things but who’s taking care of me?
Someone told me I’m a chaos coordinator. I laughed it off. Chaos coordinator sounds about right though. I’m balancing being a person, wife, mother, and daughter besides being a sister and friend. Sometimes things suffer. Right now it’s my friendships.
I have never felt so alone. I feel envious of my friends whose parents are in better health. My dad and I loved going to coffee shops which he can’t anymore. I’m realizing I’m mourning the man he is and the man I wish he was. I’m accepting my new role more and more.
Luckily my closest friends understand and pass no judgment. One friend brought me groceries and a meal. Those friends are so appreciated.
I’ve learned some things though about dealing with the care of an aging parent and I’m working on that blog. That blog will have some helpful tips to give and possibly some hope.
For now, I’m an emotional hot mess.
