I sat there stunned at the pediatrician’s office as tears poured down my daughter’s face. The nurse looked shocked. How was I not prepared for this question? I had mentally prepared for it with my own doctor’s appointment and even warned others about it; but it escaped my mind to prepare my daughter for it.
“Has your family history changed?” This was an easy seemingly innocent question for me for 39 years. But on this day, I had to explain that we’d lost my dad and my husband’s mom (two of the best grandparents in the world) in the past year, changing life as we knew it forever. I had no idea how describing that aloud would open the wounds for me, or more importantly, my child.
The question, asked daily at any doctors’ office around the world, can trigger so many emotions. Has your family history changed? Whether it is a diagnosis or a death, hard answers are inevitable at some point in life. Knowing the answer is one thing but telling someone is another. It is very hard to be forced to process painful life changes with someone you don’t know in a presumably sterile environment. It’s even harder to watch your child crumble as you are asked to do this.
I feel for the nurses who must ask this question. I never thought about it before; but they must steel themselves preparing for any answer that comes their way. I am grateful, however, for this sweet nurse who didn’t pass it by, scoot it under the rug and move on. She teared up herself and grieved with us showing my child that it’s okay to be sad. She didn’t make a big deal, but she felt our pain alongside us and met both of us where we were. What a blessing this nurse was to our family on this unexpectedly tough day.
Admittedly, I was okay telling the story of our losses in a very factual way to her; but when I looked at my tearful daughter as I was speaking – the child who never sheds a tear and prides herself on it – I didn’t know what to do. What was supposed to be a normal well check-up, had turned into a moment I hadn’t anticipated – an honest, raw, ugly, life-is-cruel moment.
While this may have only been a brief meeting in the nurse’s day, it changed the course of our day and alerted me to something I thought others may struggle with as well. Not only did this moment in time clue me in to the amount of pain my child was in, but it made me think – how could I have better prepared her for that? Do others have a hard time with this question as well- or do they know to prepare for it? Is there even a way to prepare our children for life’s unexpected difficult moments without creating a sense of fear?
Life is undoubtedly real and hard sometimes and while there is a protective nature for parents to want to hide these tough emotional moments from our kids, there is something to be said about showing them and allowing them to safely process the emotions. Showing them how to grieve a diagnosis or death is one thing, but allowing them to do it alongside you is next level. And as a disclaimer, I’m not a licensed anything; so, this is opinion based on experiences only.
My hope for you, as a reader, is this – when you have an unexpected moment that triggers raw emotions, ensure your child feels safe first to just feel the feelings and ask questions if they need to. And if this post has alerted you to a potential unexpected question moment looming in the future, wrestle with it, and prepare the best you can for you and your child. Some children are “need to know” while others will do better without the warning. Either way, my prayers are with you as you navigate this unexpected question and potential new season of life.
P.S. And even if you feel prepared before, it’s okay to let the wheels fall off during. Just breathe.
