Last week (during week #3 of summer break) my kids sat amidst a toy store’s worth of gadgets and doodads and groaned boredom for the millionth time this summer. The youngest wanted someone to lead her in a craft, my boy was two seconds away from conducting a science experiment in gravity defiance (by hanging from the chandelier) and my oldest was whining about a show she’d seen where kids went to camp all summer.
I was fed up, “You all don’t need a camp.” My eyes bulged and the veins in my neck were surely popping, “Nope. Me! Your poor overworked mama, I’m the one that needs a camp, doggonit!”
They smartly moved on to other activities to avoid World War 3 but it got me to thinking…maybe that wouldn’t be so bad after all: a camp for moms. A few weeks glamping it up in the woods, taking classes like Defensive Driving: The Multi-tasking Moms Edition (where you learn to feed a kid a bottle in the backseat while merging onto a busy road) or Introduction to Meditation (also known as I’m-Ignoring-You-Now-Your-Father-Should-Be-Home-Soon). Heck, we could even have fireside sing-alongs to all the tunes our kids never want to hear in the car (some kind of New Kids on the Block, Janet Jackson, Kool & the Gang medley…I’m still working on the playlist, obviously). But this might be my best idea yet.
A camp for moms might not be so bad after all. I can picture it now actually…
Hello Son, Hello Daughters
(sung to the tune of Allan Sherman’s Hello Mother, Hello Father)
Hello son, hello daughters
Here I am at Camp Still Waters
Camp is very entertaining
There’s no one here to keep all our sanity draining
I went dining with Beth Carter
We had wine and drank a lotta’
It was fine though, it’s just us grown ups
So no hungry babies’ll wake us at the sun up
See here we mothers, have a break from
All you kiddies, the ones that tantrum
It’s not we hate you, that’d be crazy
It’s just sometimes we need to say bye bye to baby
But I promise this camp is serious
Only one mom sunbathed til she was delirious
We do crafts that are quite nice
From wood we found, I made a rack for all my spice
Chorus
No need to visit or hurry and call
Don’t send an Uber, I’ll hide in the hall
I won’t leave, I’ll kick and scream and cry
And if you make me cook dinner, I’ll just die
Let me have this little break
There’s only so much a mama can take
I promise I’ll sit through Caillou
If you just let me have another day or two
Hello son, hello daughters
Are you all playing nice with father
He’s probably giving you all the sweets
And you’re tearing up my clean house as we speak
No, I won’t think that way
I’m on this awesome moms-only vacay
It’s just I guess, what I forgot
Was about those hugs and kisses you gave a lot
Are you brushing, doing the flossing
Don’t let your sister do all the bossing
You three are sweet babes, mommy knows
No, I’m not crying, I just have a stuffy nose
Now I’m thinking, maybe this place is
Much too crowded, there’s not enough private spaces
I should probably come straight home
I’m sure you haven’t seen a good brush or a comb
I know I talked big, made my case for
Some time away from you, honest I prayed for
But now I see, you’re not so bad
The three of you aren’t monsters, not even your dad
If you promise, not to scream
And at dinner, don’t make a scene
Maybe I’ll head home, you miss mama?
I can’t believe I’m saying this but I missed your drama!