Summer Camp Dreams for the Suburban Mom

Last week (during week #3 of summer break) my kids sat amidst a toy store’s worth of gadgets and doodads and groaned boredom for the millionth time this summer. The youngest wanted someone to lead her in a craft, my boy was two seconds away from conducting a science experiment in gravity defiance (by hanging from the chandelier) and my oldest was whining about a show she’d seen where kids went to camp all summer.

I was fed up, “You all don’t need a camp.” My eyes bulged and the veins in my neck were surely popping, “Nope. Me! Your poor overworked mama, I’m the one that needs a camp, doggonit!”

They smartly moved on to other activities to avoid World War 3 but it got me to thinking…maybe that wouldn’t be so bad after all: a camp for moms. A few weeks glamping it up in the woods, taking classes like Defensive Driving: The Multi-tasking Moms Edition (where you learn to feed a kid a bottle in the backseat while merging onto a busy road) or Introduction to Meditation (also known as I’m-Ignoring-You-Now-Your-Father-Should-Be-Home-Soon). Heck, we could even have fireside sing-alongs to all the tunes our kids never want to hear in the car (some kind of New Kids on the Block, Janet Jackson, Kool & the Gang medley…I’m still working on the playlist, obviously). But this might be my best idea yet.

A camp for moms might not be so bad after all. I can picture it now actually…

Pic via

Hello Son, Hello Daughters

(sung to the tune of Allan Sherman’s Hello Mother, Hello Father)

Hello son, hello daughters

Here I am at Camp Still Waters

Camp is very entertaining

There’s no one here to keep all our sanity draining 


I went dining with Beth Carter

We had wine and drank a lotta’

It was fine though, it’s just us grown ups

So no hungry babies’ll wake us at the sun up


See here we mothers, have a break from

All you kiddies, the ones that tantrum

It’s not we hate you, that’d be crazy

It’s just sometimes we need to say bye bye to baby


But I promise this camp is serious

Only one mom sunbathed til she was delirious

We do crafts that are quite nice

From wood we found, I made a rack for all my spice



No need to visit or hurry and call

Don’t send an Uber, I’ll hide in the hall

I won’t leave, I’ll kick and scream and cry

And if you make me cook dinner, I’ll just die


Let me have this little break

There’s only so much a mama can take

I promise I’ll sit through Caillou

If you just let me have another day or two


Hello son, hello daughters

Are you all playing nice with father

He’s probably giving you all the sweets

And you’re tearing up my clean house as we speak


No, I won’t think that way

I’m on this awesome moms-only vacay

It’s just I guess, what I forgot

Was about those hugs and kisses you gave a lot


Are you brushing, doing the flossing

Don’t let your sister do all the bossing

You three are sweet babes, mommy knows

No, I’m not crying, I just have a stuffy nose


Now I’m thinking, maybe this place is

Much too crowded, there’s not enough private spaces

I should probably come straight home

I’m sure you haven’t seen a good brush or a comb


I know I talked big, made my case for

Some time away from you, honest I prayed for

But now I see, you’re not so bad

The three of you aren’t monsters, not even your dad


If you promise, not to scream

And at dinner, don’t make a scene

Maybe I’ll head home, you miss mama?

I can’t believe I’m saying this but I missed your drama!


Mommy’s little soul-suckers