The Importance of Women Supporting Women

“When women support each other, incredible things happen.”

I’m your typical mom with two kids, one who has autism. Almost once a week I have an “experience” out in the community that frustrates me. An experience that could be made infinitely better by one simple thing…Compassion. It’s something simple that would mean the world to me in the midst of an autistic meltdown but it rarely ever happens. Most likely I get the all too familiar, “you should learn how to control your child look” or the, “wow that kid is a mess look”. It’s been all too seldom that I’ve gotten the “hang in there, I understand” look. And sometimes I wonder why.

I’ve noticed the same thing happen at work, women not supporting other women. It made me wonder, why? Why is it so hard for us to encourage, support and show compassion to other mothers (and women in general)? I went to the every trusty Google to do my reconnaissance. I wanted to understand why it is such a challenge for us to really be there for each other. It turns out that there is plenty of articles on the topic of women supporting women.

According to Susan Shapiro Barash, gender studies professor, and Lisa Quast, award-winning author, there are 4 main reasons women don’t support other women.

1. We unconsciously believe there’s “not enough” to go around. Not enough jobs. Not enough men. Not enough parking spots if you’ve ever been to the mall on December 24th. Women have long been in the shadow of their male peers which creates competition in the wake of the perception that if one woman has achieved something then another won’t. The “not enough” theory impedes our ability to cheer each other on.

2. Comparison and competition between personal lives in trending. Now this one doesn’t surprise me. Life has become such a competition. Spend an hour on Facebook and you can easily compile a list of who had the best lunch, the best manicure, the best body or the cutest kids. Facebook has become a “one-up” zone in its finest form. Research shows that social media has created an undercurrent of competitiveness among females that drives many women to feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and low self-esteem.

3. We graduate from school and sports but don’t leave behind the scorecard mentality. All humans are bred for competition but for women, the preferred competition is another woman. Research shows that female executives will often distance themselves from female co-workers so they can fit in with the executive “boy’s club”. This is because it is seen as a better business strategy to make friends with the men in charge rather than fellow female co-workers who will become your future competition for promotions and raises. Only 6.4% of the CEO’s at Fortune 500 companies are female so it seems to make sense to align with the majority.

4. We have to appear “good” – even if that’s a lie. This one really hits home for me. I hate to admit that I’m competitive, but I am. I hate to admit that I’m not “enough”, but sometimes I not. Women are raised to be “good girls” so we strive to maintain that image. Women compete in a covert way to keep the appearance of being “good” and are shown to use indirect aggression at a much higher rate than men.

So why does any of this matter? Why should I care about supporting other women, other mothers, other female co-workers? It matters because the change begins with each of us. It begins when we realize the value of supporting other women. Change always begins one step at a time and we all have the ability to take that first step.

We’ve all been there. In the store with a toddler (or two or three) and nobody is cooperating. They all want what they want and you are about to lose your mind. Would it make a difference if a woman gave you that kind word, gentle look or even offered to help you out? It would for me.

What about a co-worker doing a presentation? A flustered and frustrated cashier? A waitress who has dropped an entire tray of dishes? Would they benefit from a compassionate glance? I bet they would.

A kind word, an empathetic look, any acknowledgment that you understand what that woman might be going through is worth the world to her while costing you very little. Women need to know that other women support them and that starts with you and me.

Gloria Vanderbilt, once said: “I’ve always believed that one woman’s success can only help another woman’s success.”

Remind yourself daily that other women are not your competition. Stand with them, not against them. Behind every successful woman should be a tribe of women who have her back. Remember, girls compete with each other but women empower one another!