When did the word “no” become so hard to say and even harder for our children to hear? When my kids were little, “no” flowed easily out of my mouth as fingers approached electrical outlets, little legs ran with forks in hand and baby legs tried to climb stairs. In protection mode, the dangers were easily recognizable and besides an occasional tantrum, “no” was usually met with little resistance and not much arguing.
As our kids get older, though, and they begin to look around at friends’ lives or simply have their own opinions, “no” suddenly becomes the starting point for an argument. And it can be exhausting! In a perfect world, I would have a pow-wow with all my kids’ friends’ parents before a question has been asked and all unanimously decide on the answer. Our lives would all be easier people. But, it’s not a perfect world and different things are acceptable by different parents. We all want to make our kids happy, but sometimes the word “no” may just be their best yes.
I recently went on an adult girls’ trip – an escape, if you will. I get a call from my children insisting their father (bless his soul) agreed they could have guinea pigs. No offense to any cute guinea pig owners, but I am not into caged animals. I told them no way, no-how are we going to be the owners of any guinea pigs. Upon my return, I am presented with a presentation on “why we deserve guinea pigs.” A+ for creativity, but I said “no.” My 9-year-old proceeds to scream and cry, unable to accept “no” as her answer.
Has this happened to anyone else? Not the guinea pig scenario, but does anyone else feel it is impossible for kids these days to hear a “no” and accept it? My husband (bless his soul) has a hard time even saying the word, leaving me to slay with the no. I feel our world has become such a “yes” and “give it to me now” society (hello Keurig and Instant Pot – I have both, so not judging) that saying no or denying your child anything is tough these days. In my opinion, as society changes, so do our social norms for accepted behavior and age-appropriateness. What once would be have been an easy “no” has turned into a combative one.
I promise I’m not a grumpy old parent saying “no” just to tick off my kids. In fact, I have a hard time saying “no” especially when the rest of society says “yes.” I love to have fun and want my children to as well! I generally say “yes”…until I don’t. The dreaded “no” my children hear usually involves what I think is in their best interest and/or safety. It just doesn’t always align with society’s view of acceptability. The line of no is getting harder to tow these days.
When they were little, the danger was easy to spot by anyone; but as they grow up, what is considered dangerous to one may not be considered dangerous to another. Guinea pigs is an easy-peasy, no one gets hurt, but you get an annoyed mom when they smell, example. But what about cell phones, social media, texting, TV shows/movies, violent video games, apps, unsupervised excursions, etc.? I understand different families have different rules and I’m totally okay with that and tell my kids that very thing all the time. But while seatbelt safety and healthy eating rules (bye-bye twinkies of the ’80s) have improved over the years, social and technology standards for kids have been left in the dust.
Currently, my 11-year-old thinks she deserves a smartphone. Admittedly, she’s a great, extremely responsible kid. Almost all her girlfriends have a phone making it very difficult to deny her this technology. The counselors in the world tell me to stand my ground, some parents say “they are going to get one eventually, why not now?” and even my husband (bless his soul) says “she’s a great kid, what’s the worst that could happen?” All these influences make it hard to say no and even harder for my child to accept no as her answer. So, what’s a parent to do?
The keyword above is “her” – I get to decide what’s best for “her” even if it doesn’t line up with society’s best yes. So, while society may set a “social norm,” that doesn’t mean it has to be the “norm” for your or even my child. Saying “no” in a yes world is absolutely one of the hardest things about parenting – I constantly question whether I’m being too harsh. But you never know when your “no” may turn out to be your child’s best yes for their future.
Comment below on your parenting “no” woes.
 have improved over the years, social and technology standards for kids have been left in the dust. The older our children get, the harder saying "no" becomes. So what's a parent to do?){kind=link}
Sarah Francis, years ago I even told you “no” yes even you. Reba
Reba, did I listen?! ?
SF
Stick with the no on the phone!! We did until our son was 13 – and here we are a year and a half later and it STILL requires active management/babysitting, etc. We even use the app Safe Family to presort the stuff that comes through. Honestly, it is a nightmare to try and keep up. Our goal was 13 or the start of 8th grade – which were 4 months apart. Frankly, I would love to not deal with it at all as it is an enormous distraction. TIP – the Safe Family app lets you CUT OFF the internet… often helpful to get child’s attention. Good luck!