A few years ago I discovered one of the most awkward moments of motherhood…my friend’s kid no longer wanted to be friends with my kid. Man those are some muddy waters. I still have no idea ho
w to really handle this, but it has happened enough in my house and those around me that I know I’m not alone in this awkward confusion.
w to really handle this, but it has happened enough in my house and those around me that I know I’m not alone in this awkward confusion.I was reminded of this the other day when a friend of mine, who is just the sweetest, walked up to me at a sporting event and asked if I knew what happened between our children and the friend group. I said not really, which is true. Does anyone ever really know how group dynamics with girls go down? Plus can a parent really know their own child’s culpability in the problem fully? My husband often says there are three sides to every story, your side, my side, and the truth. I think remembering this in parenting is essential, especially with our children’s friend debacles. I was thankful she approached me in that way, soft, caring, no specific event in mind. Just general sadness over it, and we just let it hang there because it wasn’t how either of us wanted it to go down. We had nice plans for our kids. It just wasn’t working.
Some call it helicopter parenting. Some call it social engineering. I call it playing Barbies. Call it what you will, but it happens all over the place. It starts out so innocent with toddler group and then grows into sleepovers and then the formation of squads or groups. Eventually, the kids begin to choose for themselves and when this comes, be ready. The Barbies begin to push back and you can’t play them anymore.
Give People Room to Grow and Change
First of all, know it can happen. Those sweet friendships your kids forge with the neighbors or in preschool that used to be so easy because of proximity or because you and the mom were such good friends, can change. The days of picking their friends cease around middle school. The kids change and subsequently friendships change. The first time I remember this happening was in 6th grade. My child’s elementary friends scattered as they came into themselves and found new groups or sports or classes that didn’t lend themselves to maintaining the old friendships. It hurt, both me and my child. It made some fertile ground for anger or resentment as a mom. I watched my own middle schoolers change and become different versions of themselves from year to year, which meant they made and lost friends as they were figuring things out. I had one mom approach me at the bus stop to ask if everything was ok between our daughters. It caught me off guard. I felt her pain. I knew my child had new friends in high school and because there were no overlapping extracurricular activities or classes, it was starving the relationship of time and ultimately health. They grew apart because of schedules. This scenario wasn’t personal, but just a situation where time was at a shortage now and things just changed. It happens. Expect it. Prepare your heart for it. We must teach our kids to give people room to grow and change.
Three Sides to Every Story
Remember you only get half the story, or, as I said, there are three sides to every story. I love and adore my kiddos. I have utter and complete blind loyalty for them and would go into battle at a drop of a hat, but I go into that battle knowing I only know what I have been told. There is usually a lot more to the story than my kid knows or has shared with me. With social media, we can begin to draw conclusions about the dynamics of groups of people that create a more vicious intent than is meant. I mean who gets invited everywhere all the time? I tell my children that they can be rock stars in one group and the outcast in another. No one is included all the time, no one. I’ve heard stories from moms of the popular kids saying they would be invited but still feel like they were on the outside while at the party. 
Give Room for Different Conflict-Resolution Styles
Please, give the mom and the kid room for how they handle conflict, which is inevitably different than you would. I know I have to continually learn that some people are flight and some are fight. If your friend doesn’t tell you outright what’s going on with her daughter, she may be an avoider or she may feel super embarrassed or maybe, probably like you, is just ridiculously confused. I mean, these years can be confusing for everyone and there’s no rule book for these moments. I decided if it was a friendship I would like to continue after the kids were gone or one that had been important to me before the kids even existed, then I would have to jump into those muddy waters and have an honest discussion about how my kid was hurting and unfortunately I was too.
We are More than the Sum of Our Children’s Choices
I would try to stay away from your kids’ friendships being in the middle of yours. In some of my friendships, like a lunch I had recently, we didn’t really even talk about the kids. There isn’t joy in that topic right now between us, and I know we are both more than just the sum of our children, so we talk about all the other facets of who we are. I do want to know if & when my kid, who is still growing and learning, ticks your kid off, you have enough love for me to still love me and not throw me away because of my kid’s behavior, which I cannot control. If I tell you my child was at a sleepover and yours wasn’t included, please share with me at another time that this season is upsetting to you, but not at that moment. Chose wisely when to bring up the problem. No sucker punches. I will for sure take the hurt seriously because you are my friend and we are connected, but there isn’t a whole lot I can do when it comes to making my kid choose yours, albeit I would love to.
I guess a lot of it comes down to embracing the concept that our kids can’t define us by their good choices or their bad. We can advise them, help them and support them, but their choices are their own at the end of the day, just as your friend’s child’s choices don’t define your friend either. Because our children’s brains aren’t fully developed while in our homes, I have always jokingly said to other moms, “Don’t let crazy people define you,” but I would add to this today, don’t let crazy people define your friend either.
