My daughter is turning 8 this month. She’s already asking for high heels, a phone and a trip to the beach. It’s been an interesting time in our household. We are juggling school, activities, and therapies for my 4-year-old son with autism. Also I have given up babying her and my son. More so with her because I have to lay the foundation of responsibility, grit and perseverance. I must teach them both in a time of hardship how to be resilient and advance in tough times. In short I’m letting them fail.
That decision did not come easily. I didn’t want to be the parent to look bad. Homework had to be turned in 100%. Tests had to be 100’s. My son had to meet his goals at 100%. My daughter had to excel academically and in karate 100%.
Zoe just got moved to an advanced class in karate. It’s been a challenge, especially with learning combat. At testing recently she got kicked out because she was exhibiting poor behavior. I was embarrassed. I knew I needed her to fail. I could have easily “saved her” but I didn’t. I helped her through the emotionally charged time by putting her needs first. She needed me to guide her even if it meant I was embarrassed, frustrated or fed up with her behavior. I had to be a voice of reason and show her that the behavior she exhibited was not “black belt” behavior. I could easily let her quit.
But, here are four reasons I am not.
1. I signed a contract.
I am teaching her we have to honor the contract I’ve signed. I discussed the contract with her because she wanted to continue on her path to getting a black belt. I have to be a woman of my word and see the contract out and so does she. Then in 6 months, she can decide if she wants to continue or not.
2. I’m teaching them grit and resilience.
I want her to know how to face obstacles and be able to overcome them. Things come very easy for my type A daughter. She needs to fail in order for her to grow. Too many times I see parents stress over responsibilities that should be their children’s because we don’t want to look bad. They do the homework and projects for them because appearance matters; parents don’t want to look like bad parents. We are only bad parents if we are not giving them the impression they can’t fail. My failures have been my greatest teachers and motivation to be a better person.
3. It’s not about me or how well I parent my children.
The focus should be on my daughter and son. I’m not only teaching them book smarts but more importantly, common sense skills. Their emotional and mental needs are more important than my pride. Grades and test scores are important. They have their place. But life lessons like grit and resilience are important too. My son with autism wants things his way only. But, through therapy, he’s learning to adjust better when things don’t go exactly as planned. My daughter is learning similar lessons. She’s not getting a cell phone yet.
4. I’m letting them face their consequences.
I want my children to exhibit integrity, honesty or character over a perfect test score. Their grades or test scores do not make me a good or bad mom. Zoe’s tantrum at karate didn’t make me a bad mom either. What made me a good mom was having her face her instructors. I made her apologize to both. I’m letting her get bad grades and the consequences that follow for not doing her homework. My son wouldn’t stop chewing his bottle (it was essentially his pacifier) and I explained that if he didn’t stop no more bottles.
It was hard but we all survived the tantrums and crying from both about facing the consequences of their actions. For me, it wasn’t easy but if I don’t lay the foundation now while they are 4 and 8 then when will I? Both children are different and they both need consistency and structure. Parents not only look to today but in the future as well. I want both children to be able to stand on their own with little to no assistance. Their world is more uncertain than ever. I want them to thrive in whatever they pursue, and letting them fail will hopefully help.
