New Year not so New You

“Happy New Year!” “Out with the old, in with the new!” “New year, new you!” These phrases and many more usher in thoughts of hope as the clock changes each year from 11:59 p.m. on December 31 to 12:00 a.m. on January 1.  Resolutions are made, changes are coming, declarations of “this year will be better than last” are spoken.

I’ve always been excited about a new year with new opportunities. New Year’s Eve 2000 was when I met my husband (a story for another day), so we always celebrate and cherish this date. I was definitely in the “New Year, New You” camp – that is, until 2019.

Let me back up. 2018 was the hardest year of my life and when the clock turned from 11:59 in 2018 to midnight signaling the start of 2019, I found myself sobbing amidst the fireworks and friends. Many people may think shutting the door on their hardest year is a good thing – leave the past behind and start fresh. In fact, I thought this too; until I lost my Dad.  

In a very unexpected, tragic accident, my Dad was taken away from us changing life as we know it. He wasn’t just my Dad though. He was my best friend, calling me daily to check in and make sure life was grand. I didn’t know how to do life without him and 2019 wasn’t looking very grand in my view.  

So, now I find myself in an unknown space on New Year’s Eve and into the month of January not wanting to shut the door on the last year I had with my Dad, and not quite feeling ready to enter the first year ever without him in my life. While the year changed overnight, my emotions certainly did not. The new year did not equal new me this time. And I have a feeling I’m not alone in this one.

While this space is new to me and probably others who lost loved ones in 2018, it’s not new to those who’ve lost their special people in years past. I had no idea a simple phrase of “Happy New Year” could conjure up feelings of ick. I’m sorry to those who’ve walked before me in this place for not recognizing the harshness of leaving that final year behind and entering a year of the unknown without that person by your side.

With that being said, my intent is not to depress you as readers (so please keep reading). I’m still a lover of life and known by my friends as a ball of sunshine. My circumstances had just brought me a new perspective, one I hadn’t considered before. As I walked to the other side, I thought it important to share this perspective with others. Also, I’d like to tell those that didn’t enter the new year with a bang you aren’t alone, I get it.

On the flip-side, I know these feelings will not last forever. I personally was just not ready to shove them aside when the calendar year changed. And, while I’m not making resolutions or big changes on the outside, I do have a whole bunch of faith stored up on the inside – and the inside is sometimes where the biggest changes occur.

One of my closest friends recently told me a sweet faith story hidden in the tragedy of her daughter dislocating her knee at school. Her daughter had been in excruciating unrelenting pain that was almost unbearable for the school nurse to watch. As the nurse was trying to comfort her, she noticed a bracelet the girl was wearing. On the bracelet were the words “Have Faith.” The nurse knew exactly what to do – she told the girl to stare hard at the bracelet, read the words, concentrate and take a deep breath. Upon breathing in, her knee started to quiver and actually put itself back into place giving her an immediate sense of peace and relief. Insert jaw drop.

Sometimes during times of excruciating pain, we need to be reminded to have faith and simply breathe. And while we may feel the pain and even quiver for a while, if you can hold onto that faith and just breathe, peace will come. It may just not come on New Year’s Eve as the world predicts.

So, as I enter February feeling a bit more refreshed, I sit with this remarkable story which served as my reminder to hold on, breathe and have faith knowing that peace and relief are coming. For those not feeling so new in the new year, I hope this message may serve as your reminder to do the same. May 2019 be filled with faith for you!