One Friday afternoon, I jumped into my car that had been sitting cozily in my garage and headed to a much-awaited hair appointment. My two oldest kids were at school, and my toddler was busy with Cocomelon in his room. My husband was working from home in our office, and my mother was somewhere around to provide an extra helping hand with our now busy family of five. All was well! Almost perfect- or so I thought.
As I backed out of my garage, my world shifted, spiraled, and hasn’t stopped spinning since.
On January 27th, 2023, my mother suffered a massive stroke. I saw her lying next to her car in our driveway as I pulled out of the garage. She had been out there for much longer than she needed to be. Time is of the essence for stroke treatment and recovery, and too much time had already passed. That’s not something I knew before or even thought about. he next sixty days, I would spend every single day at the hospital and then at the rehabilitation center. My husband and babies became a second priority, and our family unit suffered. There was no manual for this new era of life.
I was officially a part of the Sandwich Generation.
According to the Pew Research Center, nearly half (47%) of adults in their 40s and 50s have a parent age 65 or older and are either raising a young child or financially supporting a grown child (age 18 or older). And about one-in-seven middle-aged adults (15%) are providing financial support to both an aging parent and a child. The Sandwich Generation | Pew Research Center. Most of us are catapulted into this role with no warning at all, and now we have to rise to the occasion.
Here are some practical tips to help you adapt if you find yourself sandwiched between those who depend on you for so much.
Grace:
Be easy on yourself! You’ve never had to do any of this before. You’re not expected to be perfect or even good at it right away. Show grace for your children, as they are dealing with this new normal as well. They are learning how to navigate tough times by watching you. See this time as an opportunity to teach them responsibility and empathy. Get them involved by allowing them to help with small tasks for grandparents or make visits with ailing grandparents exciting by bringing along a fun card game. Show grace for your aging parents. They would much rather be independent than have to lean on you for simple things. Remember the times when they were there for you as a child, teen, and young adult.
Seek Help:
Look for community resources that can help you navigate the many decisions and responsibilities that come along with your new role. My mother needed constant care for the year following her stroke. Even if I wanted to, it would have been impossible to care for her full-time while working and caring for my three children. Not to mention, remembering to care for myself and spend quality time with my husband. It was simply impossible. Look for options for elderly care as well as child care or housekeeping when needed. Care is a great source for both. Ask relatives and friends to assist. Create a schedule amongst siblings to divide the care for aging parents. Ask aunts and uncles to take the little ones to their extracurriculars or peer birthday parties. Tap into professionals who specialize in assisting you with what you need. We reached out to Aging Options of Georgia for help in finding my mother an assisted living home that was much more suited to her current needs. We worked with an individual who walked us through the process, including setting up tours, comparing fees, and providing emotional support during a difficult time.
Financial responsibilities take a hit as well, but try not to bury your head in the sand and stay there. Look for financial assistance for your elderly parents. We discovered that my mother is eligible for veterans’ benefits as the spouse of a veteran. These benefits can be used to cover the costs associated with assisted living. Programs and Services | Georgia Department of Human Services Division of Aging Services is a great source for elderly assistance, including nutrition programs, in-home care services, and medical assistance.
Find and Outlet and Breath:
After the dust has settled and your head has stopped spinning, work on finding a new normal. You’ve given grace to all in the situation. You’ve found resources for help. Now, you can get back to finding the beauty in the mess. Get back to your hobbies, whether that’s yoga or crafting. Maybe start a new hobby; something you didn’t know you needed before, but now it’s what is getting you through to the other side. Stay healthy and make micro changes that have a lasting impact. You’ve seen how age or health has affected your parents, so do something different. Make plans for your own elder care. Consider whether you want to continue living in your home or in a facility as you age. Think about how you would cover the cost of in-home care or a facility. What role would you want your children to play in your elder care? Although it can be a hard conversation, start talking about your wishes in the event of failing health and aging challenges. Find a support group with folks who are going through what you are going through with your aging parent, whether it’s Alzheimer’s, stroke survivors, cancer patients, or many more areas of stress. For my family, we were able to locate stroke survivor support groups for our needs through the Georgia Stroke Professional Alliance.
Being part of the Sandwich generation is truly overwhelming and an era that we don’t think about, nor plan for. Now that we are here, we must pivot. We do that through grace, seeking help, and finding an outlet. Though hard to manage, it’s not impossible. The rain is always the precursor to the rainbow!
