Nice guys finish last. This feels true sometimes, well, honestly, most of the time. I wish I could tell my sons it wasn’t so. In a world where power and position over others seem to be the holy grail of manhood, I want to highlight masculinity that uses power, strength, and position to give value to people no matter their position or ability to give back.
My husband is a regular, white male with a master’s degree from a great school with letters behind his name kinda guy. He goes to fast food places to eat breakfast. He picks up groceries for me at my store delivery spot. He drives our children places they need to go. He works at an investment firm. He attends our children’s sporting events. All very normal things. Any dad/husband/ father could do these things.
What makes my husband extraordinary is how he treats people while doing these things. See, we walk into Burger King to get a soda and the manager behind the counter acts like they are long lost, friends. The grocery delivery guys ask about him every time as if disappointed I’m there to pick up my groceries and not my husband. Servers talk to him for so long at breakfast he can’t get work done. He gives fast food cashiers gifts at Christmas time. He gives our Barbie doll house away to the delivery guy because he knows he’s a single dad that needs toys for his custody weekends. He sits at the end of the table at a work lunch instead of trying to sit in the position of power. He has lunch with the homeless man who asked for money. He treats people the same, whether his co-workers or servers, a famous athlete or delivery guy. He respects people not position. He remembers their names. He enters into their situations. He treats them as equals, as friends. This is a man who has decided servant leadership is his path, to choose to value people over so many things, like his own time. He doesn’t view others as a means or a hurdle or a ladder to climb. Nothing about his approach to people is toxic, but it is masculine. If culture could elevate these qualities, so much of the problems associated with toxic masculinity would cease.
Being Kind and Masculine Are Not at Odds With Each Other
The Good Men Project defines toxic masculinity: “Toxic masculinity is…defined by violence, sex, status, and aggression. It’s the cultural ideal of manliness, where strength is everything while emotions are a weakness; where sex and brutality are yardsticks by which men are measured.”
Let’s change that yardstick. Let’s lift up men who, like my husband, lift up other men and women. Men who aren’t leading by force but by servant leadership. Let’s teach our boys that being kind and masculine are not at odds with each other. Let’s teach that respecting people from all walks of life and position are what matter not ponying up to the important or popular people, and, especially, people are not objects to use or go through.
He Has Chosen Another Way
My husband has an advantage though. He knows this world is not his home. He understands there is more to his time on earth here than merely climbing the corporate ladder or getting what he feels he deserves or having whatever he sets his eyes on. He has an eternity mindset, which changes everything. He’s not playing by the rules the world has thrown on him of aggression and status. He has chosen another way. A different yardstick. I applaud him for being extremely masculine and life-giving at the same time. I’m thankful my daughters and sons get to witness it and understand that being masculine isn’t toxic. It’s terrific. It’s a gift. A gift to steward and use to make the lives of others better for having encountered it.
