It’s that time of year again when holidays are upon us. We celebrate Thanksgiving each November, and welcome home our little ones from daycare or school with adorable crafts of turkeys and cornucopias and sweet notes that tell us why they are thankful this year. They make me laugh and cry every year, as my children grow and include things like family, pets, food as well as superheroes, trucks, and presents (ha).
This year I find myself reflecting, and like every other year, I’m thankful for many things as a mother. But there is one thing that stands out the most, and truly surprised me this year. It was certainly not something I prepared for or planned to manage as a mom yet, but I am thankful for it all the same: hard conversations.
When is the right time for the hard talks?
If your child is 8 or close to it, maybe you can relate that this age seems to be transitional (I guess what age isn’t) in the sense that they are slowly morphing away from innocence and naivety of a “little” kid, but they are certainly a far cry from “pre-teen” or “big kid.” Yet, they are beginning to become aware of the good, the bad and the ugly in their life, in their community and in the world.
Most things, if you are fortunate, fall into that good category: the incredible knowledge they are acquiring, and the new experiences of friendships, school, culture, art and so on. It’s so completely thrilling to watch as a parent.
But as life isn’t perfect, kids also start to realize the hard parts of it.
As parents, we experience these parts of life, but now have to share them with our children – like it or not. A natural inclination as a parent is to first and foremost protect your children and shield them from difficult things as long as possible. I often feel this way because I don’t want my kids to experience pain, hate, disappointment or fear, especially if it’s unnecessary.
But eight years old? That’s so young! Or is it? So what do you do as a parent? How do you handle it?
You’re talking to your child about what?!?
I suppose the right time will vary from family to family and circumstance, but I’ve learned that open, honest conversations – even with an 8-year-old – have yielded some of the most rewarding moments as a parent. Our family has experienced situations where we’ve chosen to talk about difficult things instead of pretending they don’t exist or brushing over them – things like death, religious differences, job loss, lifestyle differences and choices, family who disappoints you, friends who betray you, poverty, declining health and growing bodies. I’ll tell you I was nervous with each conversation, but I’ve learned and I’ve grown from them.
Here’s what hard conversations have taught me:
- My child is aware of far more than I thought
- She is not only capable of talking about these topics, but she also deserves the opportunity to discuss how they affect her, how she feels and how she views things
- The conversations are about real life. Sometimes they happened before I planned and sometimes they took me by surprise
- With each conversation came the opportunity to guide, to teach and to model to my daughter positive ways to respond to difficult situations and discussions
- My daughter is knowledgeable, perceptive, empathetic and loving. Things I’ve known but to see those traits flourish from just giving her the grace of having a voice – even as a child – is incredible
- How I approach conversations can truly influence the outcome
- Difficult talks have given me the opportunity to reiterate kindness, love, gratitude and positive choices to her
Be smart, be honest, be an example, and be thankful.
I’m not saying that all things are up for grabs to discuss with your kids. There are certainly limits to what you tell your children and the need for age-appropriate conversation, but I’ve learned we underestimate our kids sometimes. And it’s been rewarding for me to navigate as a mom.
Many people – many of us – and unfortunately many kids – have a lot of challenges to face. But each challenge teaches us something, and I want that for my children.
The lesson I’ve learned is having conversations around “difficult topics” are really not hard at all because they give me a chance to connect with my kids and keep the door of trust and positive conversation open. So this year, I give thanks for all the special talks (including the hard ones) with my kids because they have taught me so much and illuminated the many blessings we have to be thankful for as a family.
Tell us your thoughts on talking about difficult topics with your kids.
