Do you ever have conversations that replay in your mind? There’s one conversation from 2021 that I still think about – especially this time of year, as October marks Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month.
I was just beginning my monthly facial when my esthetician and I started talking about children. As we compared ages and favorite moments, the conversation shifted to babies. She mentioned that her daughter was ready to be a sister and almost had the chance the previous year. I listened as she told me that she was just 20 weeks old when she lost a baby. I listened as she told me that it’s been almost a year. I listened as she apologized for bringing it up. I listened as the silence began to fill the room as we remembered her precious baby.
As we went through that appointment, we kept sharing about our children – the ones who grace us with their laughter and precious heartbeats and the ones who were taken from us far too soon. Every now and then the sadness would fill the air, but with each sentence, I felt a bit lighter. I like to think that she did, too.
For many of us, the loss moms, when you’ve lost a baby there’s an overwhelming sadness and grief that rushes to fill the spot in your body that has been left barren. There are questions and doubts that float through your mind on whether you did something wrong or are being punished. So when we can openly share about the babies that we lost far too soon with someone who understands the emotions and realities that accompany pregnancy and infant losses, we want to sit with them a bit longer. We want to let the tears fall and we want to say their name or even just “baby” aloud without feeling judged or as if our words will make anyone else feel uncomfortable. We also want to release what we’ve been holding in so that we can tuck it back into that little pocket in our hearts where the most bittersweet what-ifs and what-could-have-beens live until the next time that we can talk about those babies without hesitation.
But how do we reach that point? With my own losses, I’ve managed to work through my own grief in three ways. As always, please speak with a licensed healthcare professional should you find yourself struggling mentally with any kind of loss.
Accept the Stages of Grief
The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may find yourself in some stages longer than others, but allow yourself to go through them. They are necessary for healing.
Search for Hope
I find my hope in Jesus Christ. If it were not for the promise of a better eternity I would not be standing here. But, I know not everyone has the same faith system.
Do you find hope in the fact that the sun always finds a way to show up the next morning? Or do you find it in conversations with others who have had similar struggles and are now experiencing new happiness? Wherever you think hope may be, please search for it and hold on to it.
Breathe
I promise, it sounds so simple, but breathe. Allow your lungs to fill with oxygen and breathe. Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that while your heart is still beating there is still life and as long as there is life there is a future where you can find contentment.
I know what you’re thinking, “Ash, it is not that easy. I cannot just pick up the pieces and move on like that. It’s not going to happen.” I have been there and you’re right when you say that it’s not easy.
Losing a child isn’t easy.
Losing hope isn’t easy.
But, I promise that this is just a moment in time. A moment that you’ll remember for a lifetime, but don’t miss out on other moments that could alleviate some of your pain. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. I promise.
