Whether or not you’ve stocked your pantry shelves and set up time and space for your kids to homeschool, whether or not you’ve outlined a routine or settled into some quality family time, there’s one obstacle we’re all likely facing right now: our kids’ social lives.
We enrolled my 3-year-old in preschool this year to help him gain confidence when socializing with other kids. It was only a month ago that he started consistently talking about games he would play with his classmates, and only 3 weeks ago that he started asking to go play outside with our neighbors. So my heart sinks to have to keep him inside or in our driveway when we see other families in our cul-de-sac. It feels as though we’re taking a giant step back in his social development.
If you have older kids of any age, you’re likely facing an even bigger struggle as they grieve the loss of their time spent with friends. And what about your child who may have been struggling with friendships even before all of this? Or your child who is feeling lonely? And what about the first-time mama who was just looking for a way to connect with other moms and babies?
It’s ok to grieve this massive change in our social lives–it’s ok for your kids to struggle. (And they should know that it’s ok to be feeling sad or frustrated about all of this change. You should know it, too.)
Keep reading for some facts about kids and socialization, and for some ideas that may help your kids of all ages recover some of their social lives.
Socialization for Babies and Toddlers:
Facts:
- Babies learn primarily by socializing with you, and babies as well as toddlers learn from parallel play.
- Virtual interactions with others (ie; FaceTime with relatives or that virtual toddler class) count as positive screen time because they involve back-and-forth communication.
Ideas:
- Use technology for good! Have phone or video calls with your friends and loved ones–they’ll do everyone a lot of good. Another tip: pick a song or rhyming game for your loved one to sing during each call. My 10-month-old surprised us all the other day when he made the silly sound that my sister always greets him with as soon as he saw her on the screen.
- Participate in a virtual class for babies and toddlers regularly, and don’t give up if the first class doesn’t go as planned. It took a few tries for my kids to figure out what was going on.
- Play with baby dolls–sing baby songs, cuddle and talk to the doll as you would to a baby. Even my 10-month-old treats our baby doll differently than his other toys, and I’ve seen my toddler emulating our social interactions with his doll and his baby brother.
Socialization for Preschool and Elementary-Aged Kids:
Fact:
- At this age, children are learning how to play together, create rules for their playtime, and resolve conflicts. They are beginning to develop specific friendships.
Ideas:
- Set up virtual playdates with those kids who you know your child may be missing time with. But instead of just having them talk to one another, have them make or do something first so that they can “show and tell” during the phone call. For example, both kids could build something with legos, construct a tower or obstacle course, or complete a science experiment and then call each other to show off the creations. Older kids could even design the rules for their projects in one phone call, and then show off the results in the other.
- Play like a kid with your kid. Channel your inner-child and play with the same level of excitement and impulse as you did when you were a kid. Be silly and make a point to interrupt or insert your own rules that may conflict with your child’s–learning how to resolve those conflicts and work together is a great skill.
- Focus on quality time together at home, and break the routine a couple of times each week. Have breakfast for dinner, a slumber party in the living room. One week, I created a Wacky Wednesday scavenger hunt for my 3-year-old (I hung Christmas stockings, put a basketball hoop in the kitchen, and made waffles for dinner, among other things).
Socialization for Teens:
Facts:
- At this age, peers become increasingly important. These peer relationships are more important to them, their identities, and their self-worth than their relationships with their parents.
- Parents are important providers of stability and support as teens navigate these relationships and experiment with independence.
Ideas:
- Recognize just how important peers are for your teens, and give them room to socialize virtually (whether with phones or online games). But be extra vigilant with how their screen- and social-media use affects their behavior. Because in-person interactions are not available to balance out the virtual ones, social media use could lead to more isolation if it is passive. Encourage your teens to be interacting with specific friends, not just scrolling.
- Work with your teens to come up with active ways to communicate with friends–use Zoom or another virtual platform to form a study group, use Snapchat or Instagram to compete in a scavenger hunt with friends. Organize a virtual movie-night with a few friends–they can watch a movie at the same time and text or Tweet about it in real-time.
- Start a family show that you can all watch together. Bonus points if the show is somehow absurd, dramatic, or old-school.
- Carve out quality-time with your teen to enrich your own relationship. My mom used to make me pancakes when I came home late after a Friday night football game, and I still remember that time we spent together. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we just sat.
- Use this time to get to know your teen’s friends. Have them FaceTime a friend in the kitchen while you get dinner ready and join in the conversation. Teens need chances to talk about things with their friends privately, but they also benefit from having relationships with one another’s families. This can be especially beneficial if your child is in a romantic relationship with a peer.
Your High School Senior or College-Aged Child’s Social Life:
Fact:
- It is ok for your college-aged child to grieve what they’ve lost. These are years that are full of social milestones that your child may feel that they won’t get back. In many cases, that’s true. Work with your child to find out what they’re most upset about, process their disappointment, and then look for ways that you can replace what was lost. You may not be able to replace a real Prom or Graduation with a like-celebration, but you can work together to find some other activity to mark the milestone.
Ideas:
- Find ways to acknowledge your child’s adulthood. Give them responsibilities (work together to find out things they may be interested in taking charge of). These could be regular chores, but they could also be problems/projects that need to be solved around the house.
- Encourage your child to take responsibility for checking in with grandparents or other relatives. Come up with questions they might like to ask and record the stories that they hear.
- If your child is in a Fraternity or Sorority that they’re missing, encourage them to take the lead somehow. Perhaps there is a philanthropic opportunity that the group can participate in. Or maybe there are ways for your child to help create virtual social opportunities for the group to participate in.
- If your child is in a romantic relationship, help them adjust to what may literally or practically have become long-distance. My husband and I were in a long-distance relationship for 4 years before we got married. We often used an online platform to play games like Backgammon together while we talked. The healthy competition was great for our relationship. Encourage your child and his/her significant other to engage in projects and interests that are important to them as individuals during the day so that they can have substantive conversations later. And encourage them to build upon their friendships outside of the relationship, too–these can often suffer when a person has a romantic relationship and now is a great opportunity for your child to invest in a wider social circle.
What about you, Mama?
Fact:
- You are carrying an additional burden right now. You are managing your own new normal and trying to help your family adjust as well. You may be feeling anxious about any number of issues related to this pandemic and its effects on our lives and livelihoods. Invest in yourself.
Ideas:
- Invest time in your relationships outside of your family unit. Have conversations with your loved ones and friends. Remember when your mom created a live obstacle course with the phone cord while she talked to someone? Do that.
- When you talk with loved ones or friends, designate a time to vent/talk about things pandemic-related, and then switch to other topics. Start an audiobook, podcast, or show with a friend so that you can talk about it.
- Go for walks, find ways to exercise, pursue a hobby, read–and let your kids see you do those things.
- Journal. This is an unprecedented time, and recording your emotions and experiences somehow is a healthy way to process and will be a fascinating record of this time of your life.
You’ve got this, Mama!
